Ring of Fire

I probably really deserved it after weeks of ‘toilet humour’.

Yesterday, between the final two performances a number of us went to dinner at an Indian restaurant close to the theatre. The food was delicious and I was conscious not to overeat considering I was to sharing a confined space with two other people for the next few hours.

When we returned to the theatre I felt Not Quite Right. Things were gurgling down there in a pretty serious way. Just under an hour before the show I decided I had to go to the bathroom. It was, I imagine, an experience quite similar to when Moses reached the top of the hill and the skies opened to reveal God standing with his notepad and secretary to pass on the law of the land. That is, it was revelatory, a grand display and a confirmation of a great deal of hard work.

Finishing up, I naturally returned to the crew and inspired fear in their hearts as they too had gurgling stomachs, but as of yet, no follow through. I also shared with them the belief that this wasn’t the end of the story. I still felt like there was something I had to give. Shortly after, as it was my turn to play the pre-show music in the foyer, I grabbed my music and headed towards the foyer. Then it hit again! I hid my score under a chair and made another mercy dash to the bathroom.

I flushed, washed, grabbed my music and moved out into the foyer. As I was playing I was sweating, feeling faint, having blurred vision. It was quite a relief when Julie, who was in the audience that night, came up behind me while I was playing and put her icey water bottle on my neck as a joke. As I played all I thought about was when I was going to finish up the trilogy. Suddenly I looked at my watch, grabbed my score and went backstage.

As the show started I rode waves of nausea in the pit. About 20 minutes or so into the performance, I took my headphones off, indicated to Tim and Lisa that I needed to finish the race and darted out of the pit. I headed backstage, out the back of the theatre, around the corner to the back entrance to the toilets. Oh no! The door was closed and locked! I started using all my force to try to turn the handle in case it was just tight, but it was most definitely locked. I headed further around the building to the side entrance. Locked as well! I thought about going right around the front, but I’d make too much noise going through the theatre and walking past everyone. Thank goodness for Elaine, our props manager who was in the props building and was in a slightly more precise frame of mind than I at the time and on her advice, I went back into the dressing rooms and called the front of house and asked them to open the back door for me.

I waited at that door using every muscle in my body to restrict the flow. Suddenly it opened and I dashed in, and to the huge reverberated sound of the theatre applauding coming through the toilet sound system, my final horse crossed the line. The trifecta. When I returned to the orchestra pit, I was certain, this time, that the race was over.