While I dig around in the back recesses of my mind for more of the same humiliating stories that proved so popular, I want to give a ’shout out’ to some theatre people who stalk me on my blog then use my stories to cripple me socially in conversation. “Any soap on your chin, Tyson?” Things like that. You people have no idea the amount of damage and therapy you are causing. I cry myself to sleep into my Barbie pillowslip each night. I’m not allowed a pillow. As my great grandmother always said “Pomegranate, if you live with puffy things you’ll start to become puffy.” (Yes, she did confuse me with the fruit-bearing deciduous shrub)

I am making it my duty today to expose those who cause me such grief, and to post their pictures on the interwebs so that if you ever come across them, you’ll be certain to throw something at them, or at least point and giggle.

These are the people who stalk my blog here but haven’t got da skilz to work out how to leave a comment. Bless them.

Tim:

Chae:

Matt:

Troy:

Hannah:

Who wouldn’t want to spend their nights with these people?

The 2007 Australian Blog nominations are still open. I’m just sayin’. Just incase anyone wants to break with tradition or anything.

I’ve added the picture as a personal incentive to write more and push it further away from the top of the page.

When I was younger I had a substantial lego collection. Years of buying an $18 box with three pieces of lego in it eventually tallied up and I had a bucket full. Imagine my delight when one day when I was in Kindergarten, a school lego contest was held.

I spent a long time deliberating over what I might build, but eventually settled on my final design, finishing my sculpture the night before the entries were due. I was so excited, and nursed my creation so carefully, protected by a plastic cake tray lid all the way to class the next day. First thing in the morning I took it straight to my classroom and left it there so I could go outside and play before the morning bell.

Class proceeded as usual, but I was mostly preoccupied by the thought of delivering my lego landscape to the competition. Eventually, just before recess, the teacher announced it was time for those of us with entries to take them to the Year One classroom, a few doors down in the same building. I was probably the only kid nerdy enough to do it, but I didn’t notice as I proudly took it down to the display area.

When I arrived at the door, I balanced it all in one hand while knocking with the other. The teacher recognised what I was carrying and beakoned me to enter and show the class my masterpiece. I was so proud and nervous that it seemed I had gotten my show caught on the carpet lip at the doorway as I speedily entered. The jolt of the lip pulling my leg back made me loose a grip and suddenly, as if in slow-motion and with lightening speed all at once, my green lego canvas dismounted its cake lid mid air, spun and fell to the floor with an almighty crash, sending blocks of lego shooting across the heads of two dozen six-year olds.

I fell to the ground in a bundle. I couldn’t see my corpse through the tears streaming down my face, and couldn’t take in my surroundings through my wailing. The hoarde of six-year olds, fascinated by my agony, leapt from their grouped tables and clustered around me, trying to get a glimpse of my reddened face. The teacher also leapt, springing into disaster recovery mode. She flung her arms wide as she strained “Give him air! Give him air! Can’t you see his dreams have been smashed!”

A few of the kids retrieved my flung debris as the teacher knelt by me and assisted me up. “C’mon now, we’ll fix it up.”

This statement, and it’s inability to comprehend the complexity of my plastic prison design scarred me like an insult of a grieved lover. With that statement, the final straw, I flung the pieces of lego I had picked up back at the ground and stormed out the door.

They say children can be cruel, but childhood is the cruelest of them all.

It is well known amongst some of my friends that for dessert, you can keep your flans, store your pavs and give that apple crumble to the dogs. Nothing satisfies my sweets craving quite like a cupped cake.

As wikipedia informs me, the cup(ped) cake, also known as a fairy cake, was given its name for two reasons, firstly the unit of measure used for the incredients is a cup, and secondly because it is typically delivered in a small paper cup. Unlike a traditional muffin, the paper on a cup cake negates the harder “crust” around the cupcake’s trunk. This presentation style is both functional and beautiful, and has long been the de facto method of preparing and sharing such cakes. That is, until now.

When I found out about a new product which promised fully cooked cup-cakes in 90 seconds, I was naturally suspicious. Did such a product exist? Could it deliver me a bakery style cup-cake in only 90 seconds? Well thanks to Tim and Chae, two devout yet shameful supporters of my blog, who hand delivered me the goods, I have the answers to those questions and many, many more.

I decided to document my experimentations in case anything went wrong Jekyll and Hyde style. I’ll be sharing a select few of those photos with you, and provide you some commentary that might assist your own instant baking adventures.

Firstly, when embarking on such a dangerous task, one should be properly protected, and to be equipped with the proper tools. Check.

Open the packet carefully (avoid paper cuts), and empty the contents of 1 (ONE) satchel into a mug. Remember to use a large mug as small mugs tend to be less than adequate as I discovered.

Next, crack a whole egg into the mug. Try to leave the shell out, and when possible use a fresh egg that is not rancid (unlike mine). Stirring is important also. The more you stir, the fluffier it will be. I made that up.

At this point my ninety seconds was up and I attempted to eat my non-formed cup-cake. Further reading of the packet illustrated more steps, so I carried on, working in over time.

Place your cup-cake mixture into the microwave. Wait ninety seconds. Realise that it has to be turned on to work. Shake your head and laugh to yourself thinking “If only someone else was here to enjoy the humour with me.” Turn on the microwave for 90 seconds. Move away from the microwave to avoid cancer. Return once it starts beeping violently and retrieve your now cooked muffin.

At this point try not to inhale through the nose. The smell is quite pungent and may make you gag. Also, avoid sticking your finger into it. It’s quite hot. Remember your protection.

No cup-cake is complete without a fully executed decorative plan. The boys were kind enough to provide me with several packets of coloured bits of sugar, so I sprinkled till my heart was content.

Here’s the completed product, and another I made while you weren’t looking. Note the overflowing “raspberry” flavour muffin, which was actually fluorescent orange. I included two dry biscuits which will be a pleasant experience when you vomit the whole lot up again in a few hours time.

After all this hard work, don’t forget to eat them! I was so nervous. My years of planning and tribulation… was it all to pay off? Here’s a tip, forget the spoon – use your hands. You’re going to need to tear through it like gaff tape, so work on those upper arm muscles before attempting.

The verdict is in! Although I was on a strictly no-swallowing diet due to the rancid eggs I had to use, the sensation of having it in my mouth was nice enough. Top marks for Magic Mug Cakes!

Before we wrap up today’s program, I want to thank Chae and Tim for their generous donation that saw me in the kitchen today instead of watching Oprah and the midday movie. Thanks also to me, who was my photographer for the day. There are a handful more photos available on the flickr photoset. Finally thanks to me, who shot the video, but no thanks to me for using the wrong camera on my phone and ending up with bad quality video.

Ready, Steady, Cook… you have my number should anything happen to Peter Everett.

With MacWorld San Francisco only 7 days, 14 hours and 25 minutes away (according to my dashboard widget), there is an abundance of rumours flying around the interwebs as to what Steve is going to announce. This excitement is probably something PC users don’t understand. Thousands of products are released every week for the PC, of varying quality, but the bulk of ours come from one place: Steve. He gives us new hardware, new software, new iPods, new cell phones (possibly?). It’s like following a soap-opera for nerds. What technological advances have they made in the past few months? Which subplots have they been developing? How will the fans react?

Apple rarely pre-announce their products for just this reason. The iTV, Apple’s forthcoming media centre hardware device was a strange, strange exception, but it was probably because they simply had to let people know to not buy a PC for this purpose. With only vague and often conflicting reports coming from less-than-reliable sources, the fans are left wondering what will be announced on the big day. Here are some of the rumours, and my take on them.

Apple Phone: This one has been going around for a while, and with another product called the iPhone being announced by another company, people are starting to wonder whether it will happen or not. I personally don’t think I’d buy an Apple based music/phone convergence device unless they were both fully featured. This means I’d want a hard-drive based music player (or at least flash in the higher Nano sizes of 4 or 8 gigs), and a fully featured phone. The trouble with most convergence devices nowadays is that music is an afterthought. You insert your SD card and have to go through three hundred menus to find the “media player” and then open the file in a clumsy browser. No thanks. I do think Apple is the one the sort out the UI problems, but I’ll wait a few generations down for this one.

Mac Pro: Apparently we’re getting 8-Core machines. That’s two quad-core 2.0Ghz processors. That’s 16Ghz of processing power. What the hell do you people need 16Ghz for? What are you using iTunes and Safari at once or something??

iTV: What they originally announced seemed a little expensive and still lacked the features anyone can get with a simple PC solution. I hope this is expanded to integrate with web applications, as well as support TV recording. Not everyone wants (or even can) to purchase their TV shows for 99cents when it’s free on the TV. I guess the American scenario is different where everyone pays for TV. If you only watch 3 shows, it would probably be cheaper to iTunes them than pay your monthly subscription fee.

On a related note, I came across a program called Ted (Torrent Episode Downloader) which monitors RSS feeds and automatically downloads torrents of your favourite shows each week. Great idea, I thought, so I downloaded it before I realised there are actually no TV shows on television that I am remotely interested in. It might be nice for you though.

Leopard: I love having the latest version of programs on my MacBook, no matter how small the changes. I think Leopard is going to bring big changes to OS X, blowing Vista out of the water. If we don’t see Leopard released (or at least announced for shipping soon) in a weeks time, we’ll definitely be hearing more within the next few months. I’m looking forward to the seamless backup solutions and getting used to multiple desktops.

iLife and iWork: I’ve always found iWork to be a wholly under-featured software package and never found a use for it. Now, without my reliance on iPhoto, iLife has become less important to me also, but it’s a strong possibility we’ll see a new version of both next week.

Video iPod: This will be the first iPod I buy. I held off this year because the video and photo integration still wasn’t right. The screen was too small (although of amazing quality). I don’t want a mega screen, but I do want to be able to comfortably see and share when I put videos on it. Hopefully Steve pulls one of these out of his pocket, and if it follows the patent designs that have been showing up, I’ll be very happy.

Okay, so it’s not quite as exciting as the days when they announced the iMac G4 with flat panel LCD screen (wow!), but there’s still enough anticipation there for a Mac geek to wake up half an hour earlier to read all the details. Of course, they could surprise us with what I’ve really been wanting for the past five years: a seamless integration of home and technology… the coffee table PC where the table is the actual screen with holographic interaction. Oh well, maybe next year…